Why I Have a Beard?

Some old men have a beard. Such are called lazy old men.

Only a few women have beards. They are called freaks. They are of course not freaks. Women can make money growing a beard. Women who want to grow beards to earn money at a circus sideshow should try Rogaine®. Try not to get it into your eyes. Don't forget that sideshow gals winter in Florida.

If a man has a beard, he doesn't have to shave if he grows a mustache to go with it. With no mustache, he has only a small patch to shave. He can shave that with the little electric razor they gave him when he was last in the hospital.

Young men with beards must keep them trim and tidy unless they live here in Idaho and work at home on the farm where cows and hogs have no interest in beards. Old men never have to trim their beards unless their wife makes them.

My son and I know that beards are important in winter.

He knows better than I do.

In ten-below-weather he is the one out in a dairy corral standing behind the cows. His feet are slipping around on frozen cow manure. His arm is up to the shoulder in a cow in the pregnancy-check position.

In the winter, my son can preg-check a string of 300 cows much faster than in the summer. In the winter the only thing that is warm is the arm he has stuck in the cow.

That's why my son likes a beard in the wintertime.

A few years ago my son was called to a church position that required that he not wear a beard. He showed the local leaders pictures of early important church leaders with beards a foot long. That didn't work. Then he said that he was over 30-years-old and had to wear a beard in the tradition of his early Jewish forbearers. They said that his Welch and English ancestry was most likely not Jewish and that he would have to get rid of the beard.

He froze his poultices off that winter.

With all that, it's time to tell you why I grow a beard. Here are my reasons:

1.I'm a lazy old men.

2.It keeps my face warm in the winter (especially if I'm indoors).

3.My wife likes it. Other women say that they like it too while shaking their heads.

4.Some men like it except the ones who can not grow a decent beard. These are the local Piute Indians and the Chinese guy down the street that serves the "Ptomaine Special."

5.It proves I can grow hair other than in my ears and my nose.

6.Squirrels have a place to hide their nuts.

7.It is a haven for small song birds that eat the crumbs my beard collects when I eat. Last year I counted 17 species of warbler. One was a (rare in these parts) Cerulean Warbler.

8.It gives me something to tug on while I'm having deep thoughts or making grandiose plan.

9.It sops up my drool.

10.It's the only thing that I can do that my wife can't (without Rogaine®.)

There are pitfalls of having a beard. You must watch what you are doing when you are cutting your own hair. Last summer I was cutting my hair when I noticed that a small lawn mower had passed through my beard leaving a swath not easily repaired. I tried to balance the beard, first on one side and then on the other. Pretty soon I had no beard left to repair.

I suggest you have your wife cut your hair.

The End